Saturday, March 12, 2016

Hipster Nazarene Insists Daily Bathing Perpetuates Western Imperialism

In a sermon, a Nazarene pastor condemned everyone as an oppressor.

In a self-flagellating confession, the pastor admits he is guilty of this particular evil by taking showers everyday while the natives of an area of Africa to which he went on a short term missions expedition did not have the luxury of using water in such a carefree manner.

And how is that the pastor's fault?

Neither can the Africans probably afford airline travel halfway around the globe.

However, that apparently did not prevent the pastor from engaging in such extraneous travel.

More importantly, did this pastor ever stop and think that these Africans are probably being denied the benefits of modern utilities such as an advanced sewer system as a result of the environmentalist organizations that such self-aware hipsters usually support insisting that the bushmen are more adorable in a state of perpetual primitivism?

Furthermore, even if the White man was magnanimous enough to gift these savages with the latest water distribution technology, will these backward cultures be willing to maintain it or will they get too distracted by the overwhelming compulsion to slaughter the neighboring tribe?

By Frederick Meekins

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Trump No Less Pious Necessarily Than Average Christian

In contemplation as to whether or not Donald Trump is a Christian, Pastor Sean Harris of Berean Baptist Church in a SermonAudio podcast alleged the presidential candidate has not produced any fruit testifying to such.

As an example, this pastor did not offer any proof such as Trump enunciating an errant Christological profession or even the tycoon's shocking confession that he did not have any sins needing forgiveness.

Rather, the criteria referenced by Harris included no proof of regular church attendance, lack of a spirit of generosity, and lack of fidelity to a single woman.

How is charity being defined?

By the tossing of money at a particular cause or organization with no expectation of anything in return?

By that definition, the financial oblation many believers place in the collection plate each week doesn't count either.

For most are doing that for the purposes of curring favor with God or to workout some kind of arrangement between the taxman and/or the church leadership.

Secondly, it must be admitted that Trump's conjugal relationships are less than ideal.

However, unlike Bill Gothard, Josh Duggar, Jack Schaap, at least Trump seems to be attracted to woman over the age of consent or not beneath him on an organizational flowchart where the occupational statuses of the objects of his desire are not threatened if they spurn his advances.

By Frederick Meekins